Do Not Tell Anyone...
Birth of Clarity #30
Welcome to the Birth of Clarity newsletter on Substack.
I saw this quote on Telegram a little while ago and thought it would provide an interesting topic for discussion. I’d not heard this take before. I’m sure Andrew Tate has said something similar in the past but I found the wording of this particular quote intriguing.
“If You Are an Adult And a Male
And You Are Suffering
DO NOT TELL ANYONE.
The Probability That People Will React With Compassion And Offer You Assistance Is Low.”
A lot has been made about men not opening up enough about their problems and trying to be strong when they’re in pain. This has led to a bigger push for men to share their struggles with others.
However, that push for men to share more has now led to discussions about whether men are opening up too much nowadays. Some narratives suggest that strong and silent men are better than those seeking help and that society has gone too far the opposite way.
We can argue that, from an early age, boys are taught to "man up" and encouraged to suppress their emotions. This, of course, has created a culture where men feel like expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness.
We can also argue that, in this age of social media, instant gratification and monetisation, some men have exploited real issues being suffered by other men for likes and engagement - diminishing the importance of opening up and making a mockery of the process.
I want to explore this topic from both sides, but before I do, let me ask you:
Should men share their struggles?
Should men reach out for help?
Should men keep their struggles to themselves?
For and against
Here are some of the key arguments for men to suffer in silence:
1. Preservation of masculine identity: It has long been established that men are held to traditional masculine standards with traits like stoicism, strength and independence at the core of this identity. By suffering in silence, men uphold these societal expectations and maintain a sense of masculinity, which can be crucial for their self-esteem.
2. Avoidance of vulnerability: If you’re like me, expressing emotions and seeking help can make you feel vulnerable and exposed. Suffering in silence allows you to avoid this discomfort and maintain a sense of control over your emotions and situations.
3. Resilience building: Enduring challenges silently can be viewed as a form of resilience-building. By facing your problems alone, you may develop stronger coping mechanisms and a greater sense of self-reliance, which can be a benefit in the long run.
4. Protecting others: Men choose to suffer in silence to shield their loved ones from worry or burden. By shouldering their struggles alone, many men feel that they’re sparing their family and friends from experiencing distress or feeling obligated to offer support.
5. Focusing on solutions: Talking about problems can seem unproductive or unnecessary for some men and they might prefer to channel their energy into finding solutions independently, rather than dwelling on their difficulties through conversation.
Would you say you fall into any of these categories? Would you say that you suffer in silence because of the above? I know I have and sometimes still do.
I’m not saying any of these are bad. I believe that it’s necessary for men to adhere to some of these. However, when struggles start having a detrimental effect on their lives and the lives of those around them then they should consider the arguments against men suffering in silence, which I’ve listed below:
1. Mental health: Keeping problems bottled up can have devastating effects on mental health, leading to increased stress, anxiety, depression and even suicide.
2. Isolation: Suffering in silence can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, as men may feel like they have nobody to turn to for support.
3. Relationships: Men's reluctance to talk about their problems can strain relationships with partners, friends and family members who may not understand why they are withdrawn or emotionally unavailable.
4. Missed opportunities for support: By suffering in silence, men may miss out on valuable support and resources that could help them overcome their problems and improve their well-being.
Conclusion
As I mentioned earlier, I have nothing against staying silent with your struggles. But as a man who has been in addiction recovery for close to six years, I know the benefits of opening up to another man and sharing your pains, stresses and struggles.
Do I think that there is too much sharing of struggles and not enough action to fix the things that need fixing? Yes.
Do I think that men take on too much stress, bottle up too much pain and need an outlet for their struggles? Yes.
So while I know that the practice of men suffering in silence is deeply rooted in societal norms, cultural expectations and personal beliefs about masculinity, and that it’s important to ‘do hard things’, as
would say, I also know the toll it takes on men's mental health cannot be ignored.If you haven’t become a paid subscriber yet, then please consider supporting this newsletter with a small monthly contribution:
I think that a balance can be struck. So again, while I know breaking the silence surrounding men's mental health can pave the way for healthier, more resilient men who feel valued and supported, and can communicate their problems and emotions effectively, I also know that there are measures men can take before it gets to this point.
I will always be an advocate for men to share their struggles because of my past experiences but I will also always champion the need for men to create ways to positively step up and lead themselves and their loved ones using tools that reduce their struggles or even eliminate them before they become an issue.
Thank you for reading “Do Not Tell Anyone...” If anything in this article resonated with you and you’d like to ask a question or comment, please get in touch:
Check out the last post: “Beacons of Hope in a Divided World.”
Take care,
Birth of Clarity
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