He Did What at Work? The Unpredictability of Addiction
Birth of Clarity #18
Welcome to the Birth of Clarity newsletter.
I’ve touched upon this addiction before - no pun intended - but I’d like to talk about it again. It’s a subject that I keep seeing pop up - again, no pun intended! That topic is pornography and masturbation, both of which have become contentious issues.
Some people sit on the side of both being perfectly normal and part of being a man. Others view them as detrimental to men. Going so far as to recommend men against ‘spilling their seed’ and suggesting that porn is evil.
It’s a tough subject to tackle, although I’ve done so in the past. Many would consider it a taboo topic to discuss but I don’t agree. I think it needs attention. The reason I say that is because I’ve recently seen a rise in men suffering from an addiction to both.
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I received a message on Twitter/X from a gentleman who said he was struggling with porn. He wrote that it didn’t take much nowadays for him to reach for the remote or scroll through his phone to find images/videos to use.
“Chris” said it only took a woman wearing a ‘sexy dress’ on his way to work for him to become fixated on looking at pornography. He said that his use had spiralled out of control so much that he would masturbate at work rather than wait until he was home.
He’s not the first guy to reach out and admit that porn had become a problem, although this was the first time I’d someone satisfying the urge at work. But this is what addiction does, it leads you further down a path you never thought you’d take.
I recently spoke about how these new platforms, and old ones, have become places of degeneracy and highlighted past examples where I talked about “your favourite social media apps [being] plagued with over-sexualised content and porn.”
I’ve even offered a solution to those reading this who are struggling to control their use of pornography or find it hard to communicate with the opposite sex because they’ve developed an addiction to masturbating to what they see on screen.
Joseph aka MasculineTheory promises to help men quit porn easily without willpower or fear of relapsing, use the power of their sexual energy for greater focus, confidence and drive, and so much more. Here’s the link to his course:
However, aside from the urges they experience and the ease with which they can get ahold of something to stimulate their desired outcome, the other issue highlighted by many men is the progression of their addiction and the negative feelings involved.
When you speak to men who have overcome an addiction to pornography and masturbating to it, you will hear that it consumed their lives. Much like something you would hear from an alcohol addict. It took on a different life. It became their mistress.
In a lot of stories you might have heard about this, the people describe living a ‘secret life’ where they would be - sorry for the terminology - ‘whacking away’ in private because they were ashamed of what they were doing.
There are two schools of thought here. Masturbation is healthy or it’s unnecessary. This could be a whole topic on its own so for the sake of not taking too much of your time, I’ll address it at a later date. However, the issue is porn and whether it’s evil.
With pornography becoming their mistress, many men start to lead a double life. They stay up late into the night to feed their desire, lusting over digital pixels and expelling their seed to images of the opposite sex or to them being penetrated by another man.
If you were describing masturbating to pornography to someone who had no clue about it, what you told them would probably seem odd. If you’re struggling with this addiction, try describing it out loud to yourself. You might think it’s odd too.
Porn addiction can be crippling for a lot of men. It’s something that many men place up there with alcohol in terms of its addictiveness. For the vast majority, it is the longest addiction they have ever had.
You’ll hear that a lot among alcohol recovery circles. “I was able to quit alcohol but I cannot kick porn.” I heard variations of this during my time in AA. Another used to be the subtle admission that they were using it as a replacement for booze!
Replacing one addiction with another is not a good idea. But I’d argue that this addiction was already there and when alcohol was removed from the equation, it just thrusts itself to the forefront.
The progression to masturbating over pornography at work after seeing a sexily dressed woman is probably quite common, I’d just never heard it before. But then again, when I was drinking, I never thought I’d need to sneak alcohol into a cinema!
Addiction drives us to do crazy things. I can only speak about my experience with alcohol but it does draw parallels with porn in that when the urge hits it can suddenly be very overwhelming. And the progression can be quick.
You will hear people with a pornography addiction, or even to sex, talk about needing to up their fix because they’d become numb to what worked before. It’s the same with alcohol in a couple of ways.
When my regular drinking stopped working for me, I either drank alcohol with a higher percentage, mixed as many drinks as I could or used other substances alongside booze. I imagine this is the same for people addicted to porn.
Please check out the AFF Newsletter here where I write raw and honest articles aimed at helping dads overcome alcohol addiction (& much more):
I also imagine the feelings after using are very similar. You feel awful afterwards. The hangover period. Drained of energy and feeling shameful, guilty and remorseful. Many men say they are not able to look people in the eye.
Some articles I’ve read described addicts as being unable to talk to the opposite sex, becoming unsociable or socially awkward, not taking care of their hygiene, and avoiding their phones/computers for fear of total collapse. These are just some.
Avoiding the use of a phone or computer would relate to an alcohol addict - one who is ashamed or scared of their usage - as trying not to go to a bar for lunch or have a glass with dinner because they know where it will lead them.
Sadly, once the urge is acted upon for both addicts, the floodgates usually open. For an alcohol addict, a destructive drinking session normally ensues. For a porn addict, hours are spent watching, scrolling and touching themselves.
The vice and its outcomes might be different but the underlying themes of both addictions run through them; something triggers a craving which turns into an urge, and then the urge is acted upon, leading to the result desired.
So the argument is, after highlighting the progression and feelings after using porn, do men need it? Is it essential for men to watch it be considered “normal”? Do men have to view porn to masturbate?
Porn addiction coach Timothy Reigle wrote an interesting article answering some of the lies told to men about porn. I won’t copy the whole thing but I will give you some of the highlights. You can read the full post here.
Lie: Porn Is Normal
“It’s not natural to watch other people have sex and pleasure yourself to it.
You’re supposed to be actually having sex yourself.
Porn tricks you into thinking you’re having sex. But you’re just sitting there alone with your dick in your hand.”
Lie: You NEED Porn
“No, you don't.
It’s not necessary for you to masturbate.
It’s not needed to “spice up” a relationship.
You’ve just gotten hooked on the dopamine so much that you’re addicted to it.
You don't need it, you just use it to escape your problems.
Lie: Porn Is Healthy
“There are no health benefits to watching pixels on a screen.
Mentally it leads to increased anxiety and depression.
Physically, it causes Erectile Dysfunction.
You desensitize yourself so much, that you don't even get excited at the prospect of REAL sex.”
Lie: Everyone Watches Porn
“If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge?
Because that's what you're doing when you get addicted to porn.
More and more men are realizing the destruction porn causes and are choosing to break free.”
The rise in the number of porn addiction coaches highlights the issue. Whether it’s the ease with which it can be viewed or whether it’s so normalised in society that it’s not seen as an issue, the fact remains that many men are suffering from it.
If you’re in this situation and can’t seem to quit, I encourage you to check out Joseph’s course or Timothy’s work because it will put you on the right path. Take action today and free yourself from the shackles of porn addiction.
You were not born to be controlled by your digital desires, your lust for the pixels on your screen or to be too ashamed to speak to the opposite sex. You have the power within to kick your destructive habit and become the man you were destined to be.
“I wonder how many genuinely creative minds are trapped in some kind of alcohol/drug/porn addiction?
“Sad to not see their gifts come into fruition.”
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