I Had to Go Back to AA
Birth of Clarity #46
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Last night, for the first time in 5 years, I went to an AA meeting! No, I hadn’t relapsed or even thought about having a drink, but I did have a specific reason for going.
Let me explain.
Yesterday morning I was stood up by my mates. We normally catch up at the same cafe after the school drop-off. We talk about our children, about day-to-day nonsense over strong coffee and salty toast. However on this occasion, without any warning, no one showed up. So I decided to head to the beach instead.
I’ve been trying to swim each morning anyway so it worked out well. For some reason though, the incident played on my mind. To be fair, I haven’t been in the best frame of mind for a few weeks/months. But this felt different. Like something was lurking in the shadows ready to attack.
Despite feeling rejected and unnerved by my thoughts, I took the beautiful walk down to the beach determined to relax and enjoy myself for a few hours. I pretty much had it to myself when I arrived. The golden sands were unspoilt and inviting. The sea was so calm and peaceful. The sun wrapped me up in a warm embrace.
It was perfect.
I tried to drown out any negative thoughts by repeating to myself, “This is wonderful.” I even made a video inspiring others to enjoy the peace and tranquillity with me.
However, despite the “wonderful” experience - floating in the sea, swimming among the fishes and sunbathing - I couldn’t shake the unsettling feelings I’d been having. For weeks. Months. Years?
While seemingly having a great time on the surface, I was empty inside. At that moment, however hard I’d tried to feel at peace, be one with nature and calm my thoughts, I just couldn’t. The more I tried, the more the dark, negative thoughts fought back.
Darkness had infected one of the places hoping to see the light.
My mind.
It had become a war zone in recent weeks/months.
Fear had spread. Worry promoted. Negativity circulated. The more I tried to silence my thoughts, the louder they’d grown.
The more I tried to smother the darkness with nature’s beauty, family fun and creative writing, the more I seemed to fail. So as I sat on the sand, after soul-searching in the sea to no effect, I knew I had to increase my efforts to defeat the darkness.
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“I went for my drinking, but stayed for my thinking”
I remember someone telling me this at an AA meeting during the first few months of my sobriety. I had no clue what he meant at the time. But it has become apparent now.
When I returned from the beach to collect my son from school, I thought long and hard about the past couple of weeks. How had I been acting? How had I been behaving?
I looked at my son - a wonderfully kind, loving, gentle soul - and wondered if my actions and behaviour had affected him. I thought about all the times my money worries had swamped my mind and distracted me while we built Lego together.
When I couldn’t focus on simple tasks because I was drowning in thoughts of unhelpful bullshit. Dark, depressing, negative thoughts plagued my mind even when I thought I was happy.
I went back a little further and analysed the past few months. Had the stress, anxiety and craziness in my head bled out into my home life?
On closer inspection, I was certain the darkness polluting my thoughts was visible to my loved ones. There was no hiding it anymore.
I had to get back to basics. I had to go back to AA.
“I went for my drinking, but stayed for my thinking.” “I went for my drinking, but stayed for my thinking.” “I went for my drinking, but stayed for my thinking.”
This kept running through my head like a broken jukebox. It was trying to overthrow the normally nonsensical shit that had been playing on repeat for what seemed like years. As I drove to the meeting, a fight between good and evil was going on in my head. I could almost feel it. And when I finally stepped through those doors, flanked on either side by the AA logo, I knew that light had won the battle.
I was back.
For the first time in five years, I had walked back into Alcoholics Anonymous. This time though, I wasn’t looking for help with my drinking, I was looking for help with my thinking.
My thinking was stinking and I wasn’t even drinking
I sat and listened to people share their experience, strength and hope, declining to share anything myself. I didn’t need to. In the hour I was there I realised I’d made the right decision showing up. Just listening to the stories. The relatable experiences - from drinking to crazy thoughts. It was just what I needed. For an hour, my mind was calm. I was at peace. None of the drastic, dark thoughts, if I’d acted on them, would have come close to finding the peace that washed over me in that room.
It wasn’t what I expected. The reasons I had for leaving AA felt like a distant memory. This particular meeting was nothing like I remembered. It was a blessing to be amongst people who spoke about similar things I’d experienced in my drinking days and was going through in my polluted-thinking nowadays.
Like I said, it was just what I needed.
It was honestly just nice to be around people who knew what I’d been through and was currently going through. It was nice to be with people who understood and got me. It was nice to be surrounded by a fellowship/community of people who’d been in the same boat as me and made it to the shore. Rather than sinking out at sea, these people had the oars to navigate bumpy waters. And while I didn’t get the whole life jacket, they gave me the whistle and light. I could now signal for help knowing people were out there willing to save me. I’ve been so lost recently that I’d forgotten this.
The devil will poison your thoughts, isolate and distract you from finding a cure.
I’m under no illusions that AA is a magic solution for my darkness-infected mind. I need to continue to find back the negative thoughts with the tools I already have in my locker. I need to double up on the positive practices that I know help. But that doesn’t mean I won’t go to the meetings again. Last night proved that there’s a power greater than oneself watching over those rooms, so I’d be silly not to consider going back.
Have you been to AA? Do you still go? Did you ever go for a while and leave like I did? Did you get sober without Alcoholics Anonymous? If so, how? How do you fight negative thoughts?
I’d love to hear from you.
If anything in this article resonated with you or you have any questions, then please leave me a comment:
Thank you for reading: “I Had to Go Back to AA.”
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Check out the last post: “The Porn Trap: Strategies to Reclaim Your Life.”
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Take care,
Roscoe | Birth of Clarity
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Roscoe - this really resonated with me even though I’ve never stepped foot in an AA meeting. I have almost 4 years of sobriety and DO work a program (TLC - The Luckiest Club). All the meetings are online and I’ve had that same sort of thing happen to me - when I drift away from being on meetings my mind gets really comfortable settling into the dark corners.
These days, when I do go to meetings it’s not because I feel “drinky” or worried about picking up. I go because I feel too “thinky”.
Thanks for putting words to this. Reading this today helped me. 🫶
I so feel what you're saying about "there's something greater than us watching over those rooms".
I've gone to AA, AL-ANON, Celebrate Recovery, and other various recovery groups and EVERY SINGLE TIME I have more peace when I walk out of there. Even if I didn't speak, just the power and connection of being in those rooms...can't even explain it. 💜👊