Ways to Cope with Loss
Birth of Clarity #28
Welcome to the Birth of Clarity newsletter on Substack.
I came across an old video of my mum the other day, which I hadn’t seen in almost 15 years. I found it hard to watch because it brought up a lot of emotions and pain.
As I’ve said previously, I did not deal with her death well. I was in my early twenties and by that time I was already on my way to having a serious alcohol addiction.
Her death pushed my drinking over the edge and I buried that video - of her wishing me a happy birthday - in the back of my mind.
Since getting sober, I always thought I’d be able to watch that video without feeling upset but I was wrong. However, it was slightly different this time.
I was upset and as I said, it stirred up some emotions and pain, but this time I wasn’t drawn to drink. That thought never even crossed my mind.
When you lose someone so close to you, it’s understandable to want to escape and bury the pain deep inside you. However, it’s not something I would recommend.
While writing this, I closed my eyes to see if I could picture my mum’s face. The sun shone so brightly - out of nowhere - that even with my eyes shut, I felt like I was being blinded.
It made me smile.
I felt her presence in that split second.
Thinking back to the pain I felt the day she died, I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy. It was crushing. Literally. Like a bus had driven over my chest. I couldn’t breathe.
I cried and drank. I got sad and angry.
I felt so lost in those days, weeks and months after she passed away.
I drank to ease that.
I asked myself so many questions.
Why did she have to die?
Where has she gone?
Is she looking down on me?
It’s hard to know how best to process such a loss.
I did so the only way I knew how. I turned to the bottle.
Obviously, this ended up causing me more pain than it cured.
I never dealt with my mother’s death healthily and because of that I’ve always wondered; If I had chosen healthier coping mechanisms, would my life have turned out differently?
Below, I will look at three coping mechanisms I could have chosen to deal with mum’s death that would have been healthier than the route I took.
FOLLOW BIRTH OF CLARITY ON MEDIUM
Three ways to healthily deal/cope with loss
Seek support
Although I did seek help from my friends and family after the loss, I did not establish a compassionate network that could have provided not only emotional comfort but also practical assistance. Instead, the ‘help’ I sought out was drinking support. I forced them to buy into my self-destructive behaviour because I had a legitimate reason to want to escape the pain.
The loss of my mother justified my drinking.
What you need to realise is that friends and family offer a safe space to express grief, share memories and garner strength. This support system is invaluable for navigating the complex emotions that accompany loss. They help foster resilience and a sense of unity in facing the challenges together.
I went at it alone and I nearly drank myself to death.
Don’t do the same.
It is also worth seeking professional help. This is something I wish I had done.
Speaking to a grief counsellor is an option you should explore.
Grief management
Allowing yourself to grieve is an essential aspect of emotional healing. Grieving is a unique and personal journey, and permitting yourself to experience the full range of emotions—whether sadness, anger, or confusion—is crucial for processing the loss.
I suppressed these emotions. I buried them deep inside me.
That impeded the healing process.
Embracing the grieving process with its ups and downs is not a sign of weakness but rather a necessary step toward healing. It will enable you to gradually come to terms with the changed reality and move forward.
Honour them
Finding healthy ways to remember and honour your loved one is vital for maintaining a positive focus amid the pain.
This is why I found it so hard to watch the video of my mum. I did not keep her memory alive.
Create meaningful rituals, such as memorial services or commemorations, to celebrate the life and impact of your loved one.
Engage in activities you enjoyed together or support causes important to them. This can provide a sense of connection and purpose and contribute to building a positive legacy following their death.
I hope this helps.
If you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, please consider the points above and avoid dealing with death the way I did. It will only cause you more pain.
Please reach out if you’ve like to chat about this further.
Thank you for reading “Ways to Cope with Loss.” If anything in this article resonated with you and you’d like to ask a question or comment, please get in touch:
Check out the last post “Do Your 'Life Review' Now.”
Take care,
Birth of Clarity
If you’d like to support this newsletter, please upgrade your subscription below:
Allowing yourself to grieve is so painful, I understand why we avoid it.
But that is how the energy associated to loss gets processed, otherwise it is toxic to us.
Thanks for sharing your story Roscoe. Very powerful.
God bless you and your mum
When my sister (a sister I chose... not by blood or marriage) died, I was high on meth. Shortly after I got the news, I started my heroine phase.
I crawled out of the hole, but I still haven't stopped grieving... maybe I'm not doing it right.
I still post messages to her on her Facebook all the time, ten years later, especially when I see something that would make her laugh. I miss her laugh.